My
Very Personal War
by Amy Arzuon
Basically,
my routine life hasn't really changed. There are no rockets falling
in my town. No one very close to me has been called up for Reserves or
is serving now in the army. But, this damned war accompanies me throughout
the day. And, I want to try to express where it sits within my reality.
I don't want to talk about the politics, though my very strong feelings
about this may sneak in, as they tend to do. But, more, I want to find
the proportions of the trifles, which somehow weigh upon me.
The
Israeli radio has a special channel now called the Quiet Channel. It broadcasts
silence unless a siren goes off, allowing people to keep it on all the
time and feel confident that they will immediately hear the siren. But,
I don't even own a radio. So, I trust that I'll hear what I need to hear.
Actually,
I have the news on a lot. The Israeli channels have constant updates with
photos of the latest fallen soldiers smiling hopefully out at us as funeral
details are given out. I know that watching the news just depresses me.
But, I am afraid of not knowing what is happening. Also, my imagination
is even worse than reality. So, I am sad, frustrated, afraid and angry
with my knowledge, instead of being in an absolutely insane terror with
my wide-awake nightmares.
I
was outside having a cigarette with a friend last week when we heard a
siren. For a brief moment we both looked in the direction it was coming
from, and then realized that it was only a neighbor's television broadcasting
the news loudly. We continued our conversation hardly missing a beat.
But, there was that lightning stab of fear, confusion, and even excitement.
Then, guilt about the excitement.
I
know that I would never run to a shelter. I don't even know where I would
be supposed to go. No matter, the relative safety guaranteed by a bomb
shelter is outweighed for me by the comforts of home. I have my bed, TV,
computer, electric fans, and privacy here. I wouldn't run away from them.
I have no small children to protect. I would remain with me where I am.
We
don't really talk about the war much. It is background noise to complaints
about the weather and getting my school ready for the coming new year.
But, when my Internet connection fell and I called customer service, the
recording told me, before I even had to press 1 for technical support,
that because of the "security situation in the North", there
may be delays in answering calls. The guy on the phone told me that their
office is in Haifa, and that they were running back and forth between
the shelter and answering phones. Well, that made it difficult to complain
about poor service. In any case, they helped me right away.
There
is great TV late at night. The national channels, knowing that people
have trouble sleeping and that they might not have cable in the shelters,
broadcast through the night the best they have. I saw "Risky Business"
with Tom Cruise pre-Scientology last night. I have trouble sleeping too.
I
thought about if I needed to get supplies in case I couldn't leave my
house and everything was closed. I haven't yet, but I think I had better
get a few cartons of cigarettes.
I
know I am much much better off than so many other people. I am very very
grateful. Of course, the civilians in Southern Lebanon are really suffering
in ways I cannot imagine. I am safe. My son is safe. But, still I have
this haunting toothache of fear knotting inside. The ground has shaken.
Thank
you for letting me share. I needed to express this.
